When a relationship ends, most people wish to move on as soon as possible due to the pain tied to the sudden loss. The temptation should be acknowledged and avoided because of the lessons possible through learning how to accept one’s role in the dissolution of the relationship and the benefits brought about by the assessment. The process will be challenging. Out of adversity, strength, compassion and sweetness can be discovered greater than powering through to the end as quickly one is able.
How to Accept Responsibility
Assess: The relationship need a complete review of the positives and negatives. This step can be facilitated by making a list. It can start on a single sheet of paper with a line down the middle. Another good way to workout the nature of the relationships would be to create a narrative or biography of the relationship. Bios of interesting people unearth the good and not so great aspects of them laying them bare for everyone to see.
Determine Your Part: Once everything is out, then some of the hardest work begins. People in relationship have a hand in every conflict. An argument could be made for certain relational impairments being more on one partner than the other like those struggling with substance abuse or chronic philandering. While true on the surface, a wise person will look for ways they may have made alterations to themselves or their response. Regardless of the seriousness of the condition, this is not about beating oneself up or saving the relationship. It is about identifying an aspect of how a person acts in relationship.
Watch for Patterns: Behaviors, especially those learned to cope with stress, follow a clear line and arise repeatedly. This does not meant they will manifest the same way every time because there will be the dynamic of a new partner. Think about someone who has difficulty with conversations about intimate matters. A pattern might be avoidance. With one person, it might be demonstrated in storming out during the conversation. While with another, one could take the offensive and distract their partner by bringing up the other person’s behaviors. In both situations, they are avoiding having a conversation that makes them uncomfortable.
Acknowledge: Then comes the hard part of owning up to these behaviors and patterns. People often do not have a hard time admitting when they have done something wrong. It gets far trickier when having to state how those acts might have negatively impacted the relationship and possibly hobbling it. One need not overly chastise themselves or create a sense of shame about them. Acknowledge and be aware moving forward.
Benefits for You and Everyone Else, Including the Ex
This process is supremely difficult. One requires strong motivation to do the work before them. Let’s look at a couple of ways this act might help in the now and in the future.
* Understanding: By seeing how one behaves, changes can be made to improve communication with a partner.
* Stopping Things in the Moment: Short circuiting a fight by seeing a common behavior will take the pressure off.
* Seeing Yourself: Knowing one’s own foibles will allow you to extend grace to yourself, family, friends and even your ex.
* Telling on Yourself: One need not hide or create a false front when they know they screw up.
* Freeing Others: If someone sees you take responsibility, they are more likely to be open about their own shortcomings.
* Starting Change: The first step to improve things is always accepting the truth about the now before moving forward.
Ultimately, the act of accepting responsibility is hard. No one would ever say it was anything else. Because of the challenge, one needs strength and persistence. The good news is it gets easier and often the hardest thing is to get started. So get started now because it will be better once you do.